http://brownhousedailies.blogspot.com. My other blog devoted to my health issues and what goes down in the Brown house daily.

Yep it went as scheduled. I got there at 10:00am and was wheeled into surgery at 1:00pm. Yeah it took that freakin’ long!!!!

Whatev.

I was knocked out at first and then my azz woke up during surgery and of course I felt the little sticks and pins and whatever else he was doing.

Bastard yelled at me to be still. Fuck you doc!!! That shit hurt!!!!!! Zero pain tolerance here. I might have told him fuck you too!! Who knows, I was loopy!!! If you didn’t want my azz to wake up and feel nothing then you shoulda kept my azz asleep until yall azzes was finished.

I have a headache and a neckache.

The port is in my clavicle.

THIS SHIT HURTS!!!!!!!!!

I’m bout to take a pain pill and calling it a night.

Oncology scheduled chemo for tomorrow.

YIKES!!!!!!!!!

Gotta have blood work done beforehand, so chemo starts on Friday.

Dollface is in the African American History Program on Friday morning.

My chemo is scheduled for Friday morning.

What do you think I’m gonna do????

Gonna ask for an hour reprieve on that poisonous lifesaving shit.

Just an hour.

My throat also hurts from the anesthesia. They told me it would. They didn’t lie.

Night all.

Ooh today just hasn’t been my day. I have been feeling kinda yucky blah like.

I went out for some air earlier and eventhough the sun was shining I still felt like crap.

Mondays mean free coffee at Mickey D’s.

Copped me a cup o’ joe.

That stuff is crap.

I would never pay for that mess.

Maybe it’s the flavor, they only give out Hazelnut for free.

Whatev.

I’ve been reading up more on the side effects of chemo and now I’m getting anxious. Worried about feeling sick and shit. So not what I want to go through.

I’m feeling and looking healthy on the outside, why can’t my insides cooperate?

Fuck you cancer!!!!!!!!

I’m watching 24 right now.

I so heart Jack Bauer!!!

My tooth has been hurting for the last couple of days, what is up with that?

Oh no they are setting this chick up for disaster. *24*

Sen. Rol.and Burr.is oh hell to the naw!!!

Why are Illinois politicians so damn dumb?

Dollface spent the weekend with me and lil chica is too awesome for words!!! I swear this child has been here before, I swear!!!!

I cooked a bunch of food over the weekend to have for this week and now I don’t want any of it!!!!!!!! Nothing appeals to me right now!

Nothing but damn doritos. *sigh*

While I was out today I had to force myself to NOT stop and pick up another bag. *sigh*

Aw shitttttttttttt!!!!!!!!! My boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

Aaron on 24, me loves this dude forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He’s been on since the very first 24.

I mean I really, really love Aaron!!!!!!!!

Tax time makes my mom quite the frantic little old lady.

She betta go take a chill pill and sit the hell down already.

Today, once again, I want a puppy.

Tomorrow, once again, I won’t LOL!!!

I should be hearing from same day surgery AGAIN tomorrow.

Hopefully everything will go according to plan this time.

No everything WILL go according to plan this time.

More crazy dreams last night.

I ain’t liking it one bit.

My subconscious mind is playing tricks on me.

Uh oh they are forcasting a winter storm for tomorrow.

Happy Monday!

So I go in for the portacath today. How about it’s not scheduled until 4:45 this afternoon. UGH!!!! I have to fast of course, that really is no problem but I can’t drink anything after 8:00 in the morning and it’s now 12:50am. Basically that says to me go to bed and when you wake up, you can’t have a damn thing to drink until after your surgery.

Now that sucks. Watch I’ll be thirstier than a mugg!!!

Dollface came over today and she tried on her jeans and they were adorable on her. I did tell yall I copped 2 pairs of Disn.ey.famous.heffa.Mon.tana.chick jeans for the fabulous price of $5.99 didn’t I?

Well anyways she was here today and she tried on her jeans and she really, really loved the silver pair. She’s a total rock star baby!!!

Ok I think I’m gonna go troll over on my newest addiction.

Eeeeeeeeeebaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

talk later with details from getting the portacath implanted.

~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~

I get a call this morning that says my surgeon is ahead of schedule and for me to come in earlier.

YEA!!!!!

Then a half an hour later…

I get a call that says the surgeon has had an in house emergency and that would have pushed my procedure waaaaaayyyyy back. So he decided to cancel it altogether.

Booooooooooooooooo!!!!

Surgery is now scheduled for next Wednesday.

At first I was like, WTF!!!!!!!!! Now I’m like everything happens for a reason cause I was having some mad crazy dreams last night. Can’t remember all of it but it was kinda weird.

So today I’m trying to finagle my way to Texas for a few days of R&R.

Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

The portacath tentatively will be inserted this Thursday. I don’t know why hospitals wait until the day before your surgery to call you with all the details. Don’t they know people need to know more than a day in advance what time to show up at the hospital and what time they will be actually performing surgery??? I don’t get it.

I spoke with my play mom Sunday about the portacath. She had three implanted, not at the same time though.
One became infected so they placed another one. Then a year or so later her cancer came back and they inserted another cath in her arm. She said it was relatively painless and that you don’t even feel it in you.

That’s good cause you know I was like oh man how is this thing going to feel inside my body????

24 was awesome again tonight/last night. I have noticed it’s incredibly gory this year. They so are not playing with the killing of folk. I just turn my head or close my eyes cause I don’t do gory at all!!! That is kinda funny considering 24 is all about torture and stuff.

I had another awesome weekend. Had some friends over and we played keno and laughed, talked, ate and drank. Sunday was church and it was good too.

Gotta try and mail off a package to a friend in Sweden. It will be on it’s way soon Gina.

Watched the Gra.mmys last night and what a waste of time. It was sooooooo boring to me.

I should have watched Bros and Sisters and them Desperate Heffas but noooooooo I thought I was going to miss something good.

HUMPH!!! NOT!!!!!

It’s going to be in the 60’s here tomorrow/today. I sure hope the sun shines.

That will make me happy!

No portacath this week. My GB surgeon didn’t have any available slots open for me this week. I didn’t think he could squeeze me in at such a late date. They are trying to confirm for next Thursday to implant the cath. My Oncologist is going to flip. She has been saying for weeks that treatment needs to get started immediately so to postpone it for another week is going to send her up the wall. Plus like I said, I gots the sniffles right now and you sooooo can not do chemo with a cold or sniffles.

So I have another week to play around without more testing and stuff. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad thing but let’s just say a sista is trying to get as much non sick time in as possible, ya know????

I missed the burning bowl ceremony this year. I really wanted to attend because I surely have some stuff I want to burn the hell out of my life!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!

I think I’m going to plan a little get together for this weekend. Gonna see how everyone’s schedule is looking. Have some friends over for games, burning bowl ceremony and of course food and dranky dranks!!!

PLUS the weather is supposed to be spectacular this weekend. We are talking a high of 48 degrees. Hell folks gonna be skinny dippin’ in Lake Michigan. Polar Bear club and whatnot LOL!!!!!!!

Oh yeah I won a contest too!!! PaulaSoul contacted me to let me know that I won a $50.00 Visa gift card!!!!!

Heyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! I am too excited for words about this!!!!!!!!!!

*Bunny doing the cabbage patch, running man and the snake*

Check her out, she’s good peoples man!!!!!!! She’s in my blogroll folks!!!!

Everything is moving pretty fast now and I’m glad. I went to see the oncologists and they are both on the same page with treatment. I had to go to the University of Chi to see if they had any clinical trials for my particular type of cancer. They didn’t so I’m sticking with the first Oncologist. They did tell me if a clinical trial comes up later I will be considered since this cancer is sooooooo rare. I hate that word right now, rare. Everything is so rare with me.

KMA on the rare tip.

That ain’t a good thing that rare bs!!!!!!

Anyways she wants me to get a portacath implanted THIS WEEK!!!!!!!! YIKES!!!!! It’s already Wednesday I don’t think that’s gonna happen. She wanted it put in this week so I can start chemo next week.

Got a bunch of literature regarding side effects and what to expect. The biggest one for me is nausea and the possible loss of appetite. I am not trying to look like Scary Spice again. My friends told me I was looking rather scary a few weeks ago when I had that awful infection and I didn’t have an appetite and stopped eating for about two weeks.

The second biggest that would be hair loss. I kinda dig my hair in all it’s natural glory. It might not fall out but then again who knows. It’s just a small price to pay though.

Save a life and lose my hair. Yeah I’ll take losing my hair and saving my life each and every time. This stuff will grow back, that should be the least of my problems.

My troubled soul called tonight after being MIA for over two months. I chewed his ass out and told him exactly what I thought. Hell he knows what the deal is over here and he still didn’t call to check in. But that’s what happens when he doesn’t take his meds. He just decides not to call or nothing. I seriously was thinking something awful had happened to him. We had no way to get in touch with him and it was really getting to me. I thank God that he is alive, not well but alive. He takes care of fools and I’m soooo happy because that fool needs help in the worst way. That boy keeps me on my knees praying for him all the time.

I picked up Dollface from school today, she was elated!!!!!! Only for the day though which makes me sad. I miss getting her from school daily. She’s growing by leaps and bounds man. That girl is going to be so tall just like her daddy.

When I woke up this morning, why did I have the sniffles??? You can’t start chemo with a cold. So I upped the Vitamin C today and at 12:37am I’m feeling a little bit better.

It’s cold again in Chicago, booooooo!!

The groundhog makes me sick!!!

Believer I’m a hater for your warm weather, trust LOL!!!

Good news, I lost six pounds in a week.

Bad news, I wasn’t trying.

Last weekend I took Dollface to see Dis.ney on I.ce. I froze my butt off in that joint and I was dressed for it too. I mean I was layered up and still had to sit there for two hours with my coat on. Humph maybe that’s why I have the dang sniffles!!!!!!! She enjoyed it although I couldn’t tell at first. She was sitting there like in a daze.

2 tickets=$34.00
cost to park= $15.00
Kids meal = $5.75
Crazy spinning tinkerbell toy = $20.00
Nachos for me = $5.75
Tinkerbell pennant = $6.00

Look on her face after the show was over and the love that she gave me… PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’d do anything for that baby. She rocked her report card so of course I had to overindulge my girl. That math grade is still not the best but she did bring it up one grade so I’m thankful.

Sunday went to church with mom and her little church is trying to make a comeback. Get it St. K. After church we went out for breakfast. Yum, yummy.

Did a little bit of shopping and later went to a Superbowl/Anniversary party. My cheeks hurt so bad I laughed so dang much. That was good for my soul man.

It was a really good weekend!!!!!!!

I wanted to write something in memory of my dad yesterday, January 26 but I couldn’t even bring myself to put the words down. I kept telling myself go on and do it but I put it off because it was so hard.

Nineteen years ago on the 26th of January my dad, my heart and soul, took his last breath and I swear to you I felt as if I were going to die too. It was as if someone had placed a dagger in my heart, just the most unbearable amount of pain you could ever imagine.

I saw him in the hospital that day, he was battling pancreatic cancer and he was in the very last stages. His eyes were open but he couldn’t speak anymore and I COULD NOT DEAL. Man I was soooooo young and I just could not believe this vibrant, beautiful, warm and loving man was about to die.

I begged and pleaded with God to please spare him and to just take me instead.

God didn’t hear me that day.

He took my beautiful father to heaven and I was a total basketcase for well over a year.

That entire year is a big azz blank for me. I don’t remember much 1990 is like a big blur. Nothing other than his passing, stands out about it.

I sooooooo wanted to die. I really didn’t want to live without my daddy!!!

Daddy’s little girl was who I was.

So in essence a part of me, a huge part of me, did die on that day and I have never been the same since.

I mean how can you be the same? You can’t and oh you soooooooo don’t ever get over it.

No one should ever ask that dumb ass question.

You just deal with it as best as you can and it did get better for me. It got better over time, lots and lots of time.

I don’t cry as much when I go to the cemetary to see him in the summer. I remember when I first started going I would be a puffy faced, red eyed mess when I returned home. I’d literally stand out there for hours and just cry and cry. Just to see his name on the ground on that nameplate would send me into hysterics. I hated going but I felt like I was betraying him by not.

Like I said, for me it got better.

Although in the beginning you sure as hell don’t think it will. You think the sun will never shine and you will never want to smile another day in your life.

But you do and you will.

But I was so conflicted yesterday because on this day nineteen years ago when he took his last breath and I asked God to take mine as well, nineteen years later on a cold and dreary 26th day of January, I was at my oncologists office trying to find a way to save the life that I so desperately wanted to end.

How fucking ironic is that????

I know I want to live now. I know I want to beat this cancer down to the freakin’ devil and tell him to take it back!!!!!!!

I want this cancer out of my body NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are off and running now with testing. I had a round of blood tests done yesterday and I go to the University tomorrow for more testing and they will tell me what’s next.

I’m ready.

I have all the confidence in the world that I am going to survive!

I’ll be singing Destiny’s Child e’ryday!!!!!!

I’m a Survivor I’m gonna make it, I’m a Survivor, keep on Surviving!!!!!!!!!

I have hope and faith and I am standing strong on them even in the midst of this CA-RAZY storm that seems sooooooo bigger than me.

Humph!!!!

I know who is bigger than anything and baby He holds me close and His promises are true.

I’m trusting and believing that I will be healed. That my doctors will provide me with the best care and treatment that will knock this crap right outta my body.

I know I have some major hurdles to get over but I’m ready.

I’m really kinda calm about it all. I guess I’ve had some time to digest it all and sometimes it still seems so, so surreal.

I just hunch my shoulders and keep it moving.

All the love shown to me since my diagnosis has really lifted me up and I do believe this has made such a huge difference in how I’m handling things.

Please continue to keep me uplifted in prayer because it definitely works!!!

It’s time to get this show on the road yall!!!

I told someone the other day despite all of this I still have joy in my heart!

I miss my father, my daddy, the bestest man in the whole wide world, so very much but the memories I have are so very much alive in my heart.

He would want me to be happy and to live life abundantly and that’s exactly what I intend on doing.

Today and everyday, I’m living and loving life to the fullest.

I wrote all of this yesterday on another blog that I frequent and shoot it was so long I said why not post it to my own blog LOL!!!!

So here is my list of randomosity that has been going on.

We’ve got some of those peanut butter crackers on the shelf in the pantry. They have been in there since about Sep - Oct. We ate some of them a while ago with no side effects but now I’m thinking we should throw them out.

Overly proud of my sweet, little, eight year old God daughter and her vast knowledge and interest in our new President. She is showing waaaaayyy more interest than her 17 and 14 year old sisters. SMH!!!

So glad Teddy Kennedy is ok. Are they gonna give that seat to Caroline or what? Dang get on with it already.

I traded some old CD’s at a music store today and came out with a profit of $8.00. Then I took that money and went to B&B at the strip mall with my get a free item up to $12.00 coupon with ANY purchase and bought a Scentportable for $1.25 and got a Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash for free. Regularly priced at $9.50.

Then I went to the B&B in the mall right next door and bought an emeryboard for $1.50 and got a Dancing Waters body wash for free. Regularly priced at $10.00.

The coupon (printed off the net)is good until the 25th and I plan on going to another mall tomorrow, hell we in a recession and free is free baby!

Just did 20 squats. Vowed to myself that I would do 10 or 20 at a time, whenever and wherever and increase them more and more everyday cause it ain’t that hard.

Due to the frigid temps getting ready to *bless* us again we are cancelling a trip out to FoxRiver for a little getaway this weekend before I start my testing for chemo next week.

Made some ribs in the oven tonight and they were pretty tasty. The meat fell right off the bone, yum!

Bought stuff for Mimosas yesterday for toasting and um that little bitty couple of sips I had made me tipsy and sleepy! LOL!!!

Wore my Obama’s First Day T-shirt today and still smiling from ear to ear.

Yesterday was the most awesome day of my life. I am so in love with my President. I feel a sense of renewed hope and energy!!! I know I have never been this engrossed with politics and of course I have never felt like the President had my best interests at heart, but this time I do. I believe in this man and yes I know he will make mistakes as he is human but I believe he is going to be honest with us and not let us down. I will do my part to make my country that Superpower that it used to be. My/Our President can not do it alone, as he has said. It’s going to take all of us to build this country back up to what it used to be. We can do it, YES WE CAN!!

What I love is the world isn’t laughing at us anymore. They are celebrating with us and man it feels good to be an American once again.

Thanks be to God!