I wanted to write something in memory of my dad yesterday, January 26 but I couldn’t even bring myself to put the words down. I kept telling myself go on and do it but I put it off because it was so hard.

Nineteen years ago on the 26th of January my dad, my heart and soul, took his last breath and I swear to you I felt as if I were going to die too. It was as if someone had placed a dagger in my heart, just the most unbearable amount of pain you could ever imagine.

I saw him in the hospital that day, he was battling pancreatic cancer and he was in the very last stages. His eyes were open but he couldn’t speak anymore and I COULD NOT DEAL. Man I was soooooo young and I just could not believe this vibrant, beautiful, warm and loving man was about to die.

I begged and pleaded with God to please spare him and to just take me instead.

God didn’t hear me that day.

He took my beautiful father to heaven and I was a total basketcase for well over a year.

That entire year is a big azz blank for me. I don’t remember much 1990 is like a big blur. Nothing other than his passing, stands out about it.

I sooooooo wanted to die. I really didn’t want to live without my daddy!!!

Daddy’s little girl was who I was.

So in essence a part of me, a huge part of me, did die on that day and I have never been the same since.

I mean how can you be the same? You can’t and oh you soooooooo don’t ever get over it.

No one should ever ask that dumb ass question.

You just deal with it as best as you can and it did get better for me. It got better over time, lots and lots of time.

I don’t cry as much when I go to the cemetary to see him in the summer. I remember when I first started going I would be a puffy faced, red eyed mess when I returned home. I’d literally stand out there for hours and just cry and cry. Just to see his name on the ground on that nameplate would send me into hysterics. I hated going but I felt like I was betraying him by not.

Like I said, for me it got better.

Although in the beginning you sure as hell don’t think it will. You think the sun will never shine and you will never want to smile another day in your life.

But you do and you will.

But I was so conflicted yesterday because on this day nineteen years ago when he took his last breath and I asked God to take mine as well, nineteen years later on a cold and dreary 26th day of January, I was at my oncologists office trying to find a way to save the life that I so desperately wanted to end.

How fucking ironic is that????

I know I want to live now. I know I want to beat this cancer down to the freakin’ devil and tell him to take it back!!!!!!!

I want this cancer out of my body NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are off and running now with testing. I had a round of blood tests done yesterday and I go to the University tomorrow for more testing and they will tell me what’s next.

I’m ready.

I have all the confidence in the world that I am going to survive!

I’ll be singing Destiny’s Child e’ryday!!!!!!

I’m a Survivor I’m gonna make it, I’m a Survivor, keep on Surviving!!!!!!!!!

I have hope and faith and I am standing strong on them even in the midst of this CA-RAZY storm that seems sooooooo bigger than me.

Humph!!!!

I know who is bigger than anything and baby He holds me close and His promises are true.

I’m trusting and believing that I will be healed. That my doctors will provide me with the best care and treatment that will knock this crap right outta my body.

I know I have some major hurdles to get over but I’m ready.

I’m really kinda calm about it all. I guess I’ve had some time to digest it all and sometimes it still seems so, so surreal.

I just hunch my shoulders and keep it moving.

All the love shown to me since my diagnosis has really lifted me up and I do believe this has made such a huge difference in how I’m handling things.

Please continue to keep me uplifted in prayer because it definitely works!!!

It’s time to get this show on the road yall!!!

I told someone the other day despite all of this I still have joy in my heart!

I miss my father, my daddy, the bestest man in the whole wide world, so very much but the memories I have are so very much alive in my heart.

He would want me to be happy and to live life abundantly and that’s exactly what I intend on doing.

Today and everyday, I’m living and loving life to the fullest.

I wrote all of this yesterday on another blog that I frequent and shoot it was so long I said why not post it to my own blog LOL!!!!

So here is my list of randomosity that has been going on.

We’ve got some of those peanut butter crackers on the shelf in the pantry. They have been in there since about Sep - Oct. We ate some of them a while ago with no side effects but now I’m thinking we should throw them out.

Overly proud of my sweet, little, eight year old God daughter and her vast knowledge and interest in our new President. She is showing waaaaayyy more interest than her 17 and 14 year old sisters. SMH!!!

So glad Teddy Kennedy is ok. Are they gonna give that seat to Caroline or what? Dang get on with it already.

I traded some old CD’s at a music store today and came out with a profit of $8.00. Then I took that money and went to B&B at the strip mall with my get a free item up to $12.00 coupon with ANY purchase and bought a Scentportable for $1.25 and got a Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash for free. Regularly priced at $9.50.

Then I went to the B&B in the mall right next door and bought an emeryboard for $1.50 and got a Dancing Waters body wash for free. Regularly priced at $10.00.

The coupon (printed off the net)is good until the 25th and I plan on going to another mall tomorrow, hell we in a recession and free is free baby!

Just did 20 squats. Vowed to myself that I would do 10 or 20 at a time, whenever and wherever and increase them more and more everyday cause it ain’t that hard.

Due to the frigid temps getting ready to *bless* us again we are cancelling a trip out to FoxRiver for a little getaway this weekend before I start my testing for chemo next week.

Made some ribs in the oven tonight and they were pretty tasty. The meat fell right off the bone, yum!

Bought stuff for Mimosas yesterday for toasting and um that little bitty couple of sips I had made me tipsy and sleepy! LOL!!!

Wore my Obama’s First Day T-shirt today and still smiling from ear to ear.

Yesterday was the most awesome day of my life. I am so in love with my President. I feel a sense of renewed hope and energy!!! I know I have never been this engrossed with politics and of course I have never felt like the President had my best interests at heart, but this time I do. I believe in this man and yes I know he will make mistakes as he is human but I believe he is going to be honest with us and not let us down. I will do my part to make my country that Superpower that it used to be. My/Our President can not do it alone, as he has said. It’s going to take all of us to build this country back up to what it used to be. We can do it, YES WE CAN!!

What I love is the world isn’t laughing at us anymore. They are celebrating with us and man it feels good to be an American once again.

Thanks be to God!

I am so remiss in blogging about my most favoritest show in the entire world. That’s right baby 24 is back on and it started off with a bang. Tony is alive, can you believe that? Tony is alive!!!!

I guess I didn’t know how much I missed it because of the writers strike last year and it didn’t come on at all. I really suppose it didn’t help much when ole boy was in jail for his DUI either huh? He seems to be on the mend from the way he conducts himself in all these interviews I’ve seen him in, in the past couple of weeks.

If you haven’t watched 24, do yourself a favor and go cop the DVD’s and start from the beginning. If not, you will be hella confused and you will have no clue who the main players are or where they stand on anything.

Hell listen to me like these characters are real damn people. That’s how good this show is. I’m hoping it continues to be jaw dropping, heart racing, screaming at the tv GET EM’ JACK, good!!

One more week to myself before testing and I’m feeling all kinds of good inside!!! We are going up to Fox River next weekend to spend a couple of days. I only wish we could fly somewhere warm and tropical for the weekend. Now THAT would be awesome as all get out, ya know?

I’m totally engrossed in the Obama Express right now. I have been watching The Whistle Stop Tour all day long. I woke up at 8:00 this morning watching CSPAN and now it’s 4:28pm and I’m watching my gurl Donna Br.azille on C.NN. Not even trying to leave the house.

Tomorrow I’m going to church. I haven’t been since Dollface made her First Holy Communion because I wasn’t able. My spirits are always lifted after being with other believers and fellowshipping with them ya know?

I think I’m going to the movies and having lunch with the bff tomorrow too. I want to see Sl.um.dog mill.ionaire. Heard it’s really good. I also want to see Brid.e Wa.rs. I need to see funny and silly stuff. It makes my heart feel good to laugh hard. Makes me feel alive and kicking!!!!

I gotta stop eating these freakin’ chips man!!!! For the past two weeks I have been munching the hell out on some Doritoes and Ruffles. My craving guacamole and chips didn’t help me either. I ran to Chip.otle and conquered that with a quickness. The chips will not make their way back into the pantry. I can not resist them so therefore they can not be in this house.

Oooh I feel a hotflash coming on. Yep ever since the surgery I have been having seriously intense hotflashes and they are no joke baby!!! Gotta go with the flow. My doc says I can’t have any meds for it as they have a possibility to cause cancer and yeah, well, you already know the deal on that one. So sweat it out is what I do. LOL!!!!

Happy Saturday!!!

Today is January 9th, 2009 and I am feeling sooooooo much better. My infection is gone thank the Lord!!!! No more runny stools all day and all night long. I am eating again too. When I went for my follow-up this past Tuesday I had lost about 12lbs and was looking all gaunt and crazy bout the face.

Thank God for my gurl Rosemarie!!!! She, her sister and I were on the phone and her sister, mylifesaver, told me to get some probiotics in my system ASAP. She knew exactly what I was going through as her daughter had the same rotten infection that I had. The very next day I was popping acidophillus pills and my stomach felt instantly better. I mean the pain that comes with CDIFF is a mutha!!! I can’t even explain how intense it is. I only know that I had to constantly be on my pain meds.

Oh boy just to have a smile on my face is like incredible!!!! I was feeling so awful for just about the entire month of December. I’m soooooo glad it’s over, well that part anyways!

I have an appointment with the oncologist for January 28th so we will see what happens next.

My Dollface is coming over tonight!!!! I miss my babygirl sooooo much it’s unreal.

Two weeks to myself before the next round of tests and stuff so I’m pretty stoked. Going out with friends as soon as I can and have some damn fun, ya know?

Life is good yall!

Happy New Year to all!!!