I wanted to write something in memory of my dad yesterday, January 26 but I couldn’t even bring myself to put the words down. I kept telling myself go on and do it but I put it off because it was so hard.

Nineteen years ago on the 26th of January my dad, my heart and soul, took his last breath and I swear to you I felt as if I were going to die too. It was as if someone had placed a dagger in my heart, just the most unbearable amount of pain you could ever imagine.

I saw him in the hospital that day, he was battling pancreatic cancer and he was in the very last stages. His eyes were open but he couldn’t speak anymore and I COULD NOT DEAL. Man I was soooooo young and I just could not believe this vibrant, beautiful, warm and loving man was about to die.

I begged and pleaded with God to please spare him and to just take me instead.

God didn’t hear me that day.

He took my beautiful father to heaven and I was a total basketcase for well over a year.

That entire year is a big azz blank for me. I don’t remember much 1990 is like a big blur. Nothing other than his passing, stands out about it.

I sooooooo wanted to die. I really didn’t want to live without my daddy!!!

Daddy’s little girl was who I was.

So in essence a part of me, a huge part of me, did die on that day and I have never been the same since.

I mean how can you be the same? You can’t and oh you soooooooo don’t ever get over it.

No one should ever ask that dumb ass question.

You just deal with it as best as you can and it did get better for me. It got better over time, lots and lots of time.

I don’t cry as much when I go to the cemetary to see him in the summer. I remember when I first started going I would be a puffy faced, red eyed mess when I returned home. I’d literally stand out there for hours and just cry and cry. Just to see his name on the ground on that nameplate would send me into hysterics. I hated going but I felt like I was betraying him by not.

Like I said, for me it got better.

Although in the beginning you sure as hell don’t think it will. You think the sun will never shine and you will never want to smile another day in your life.

But you do and you will.

But I was so conflicted yesterday because on this day nineteen years ago when he took his last breath and I asked God to take mine as well, nineteen years later on a cold and dreary 26th day of January, I was at my oncologists office trying to find a way to save the life that I so desperately wanted to end.

How fucking ironic is that????

I know I want to live now. I know I want to beat this cancer down to the freakin’ devil and tell him to take it back!!!!!!!

I want this cancer out of my body NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are off and running now with testing. I had a round of blood tests done yesterday and I go to the University tomorrow for more testing and they will tell me what’s next.

I’m ready.

I have all the confidence in the world that I am going to survive!

I’ll be singing Destiny’s Child e’ryday!!!!!!

I’m a Survivor I’m gonna make it, I’m a Survivor, keep on Surviving!!!!!!!!!

I have hope and faith and I am standing strong on them even in the midst of this CA-RAZY storm that seems sooooooo bigger than me.

Humph!!!!

I know who is bigger than anything and baby He holds me close and His promises are true.

I’m trusting and believing that I will be healed. That my doctors will provide me with the best care and treatment that will knock this crap right outta my body.

I know I have some major hurdles to get over but I’m ready.

I’m really kinda calm about it all. I guess I’ve had some time to digest it all and sometimes it still seems so, so surreal.

I just hunch my shoulders and keep it moving.

All the love shown to me since my diagnosis has really lifted me up and I do believe this has made such a huge difference in how I’m handling things.

Please continue to keep me uplifted in prayer because it definitely works!!!

It’s time to get this show on the road yall!!!

I told someone the other day despite all of this I still have joy in my heart!

I miss my father, my daddy, the bestest man in the whole wide world, so very much but the memories I have are so very much alive in my heart.

He would want me to be happy and to live life abundantly and that’s exactly what I intend on doing.

Today and everyday, I’m living and loving life to the fullest.